So many words, so few words

I have so much to say, and at the same time, so little to say!  A lot in my heart and in my mind, and a few unpublished blog posts sitting in my queue, and none of them good enough to print.  I am undeniably a writer, and I have never been able to make sense of my world without writing.  However, just because I write it, doesn’t mean others should read it!  And that is why I say I have so many words, and yet so few.

There is a short version of an update on my fertility struggles, and it goes something like this: my heart aches and throbs dully for this chapter of my life to just be over.  I want to just pack up and leave and take down the blog and move on, already.  We have not been trying to conceive since our first five failed attempts from February to June.  I am confused.  Tired.  I want to concentrate on things in life that do not bind me to a dream that has crashed and burned — things that are positive, healthy, and growing.  I don’t really want to think about death and barrenness anymore.

And then I meet women, like a new friend I met yesterday.  And the power of being able to connect with that woman right at the moment she mentions her fertility problems, in a way that not many other people can — THAT reminds me of why I built this website, and why I don’t have it in my heart to let it go!  I certainly don’t mean to say that I am needed.  Nobody “needs” me to walk them through their fertility problems.  No, I am pretty insignificant.  But I believe I have something to offer (sometimes).  We all have something to offer.  And every once in a while, despite the disappointment that has been 2013, I catch the vision again.

But, I still don’t know what to say! Ha!  I have learned so much, but what is my voice, among all the others?  I am into natural health, but there are a gazillion blogs out there about that.  Why would I want to just do over (and nowhere near as well as) what Donielle Baker has done on Natural Fertility and Wellness?  I’m also no doctor.  I can’t tell anyone what to do or what tests they need.  And what about the weeks that go by for me where I feel I have nothing left to give, after traveling this road for so long?  I am just one woman, I’ve been through a lot, and I’m pretty limited.  I never set out to have a professional blog.

But, I can tell you what I’ve learned.  I can, at no cost to you, provide a place to connect with someone who has been on a similar road.  I can direct you to medical resources that your own doctor probably doesn’t know exist.  I can share what I’ve learned about real food and gut health and chronic inflammation and how what we eat affects our overall health.  I can tell you about the pioneering field of Reproductive Immunology, which isn’t even recognized by the American College of OB-GYNs yet.  I just remember how hard it was to find answers when I was miscarrying mysteriously!  And when I searched all over for answers, I often dead-ended because it required money I didn’t know if I should spend, or emotional and mental energy I did not possess.  Maybe this blog is a place for the lost, confused, heartbroken and the desperate.  Maybe, even though I am just one tiny person, I have a role to play in your life, and can make a difference for good in the world.

I am thankful for meeting my new friend yesterday.  It helped me see my “why” again.  I want you to know that there is a person behind this blog who is real and often confused, but I still believe in the power of connecting with others and sharing our lives for good.  I hope to write more in the coming weeks and months.  And if I could, just ask you one favor, would you mind “liking” or “sharing” this blog on Facebook or other social media, especially if you think there might be someone else out there who could benefit from the information here?  And, if you’re up to it, leave a comment and let me know what kinds of things are missing or frustrating in your fertility journey.  What do you wish you had known from the beginning?  What do you still wish you knew?

Thanks for reading today.  Here’s hoping 2014 will be an amazing year for you and your dreams.